11.23.05
Disappointment
So, I’ve been thinking today about disappointment. Specifically, how a week ago I had no expectation of finding out if I got the job by the end of November, found out on Monday that I would, and then finding out today that I won’t. Exactly nothing has changed within one week, and yet I can’t help feeling slightly down about it.
From my understanding of Buddhism, this is kind of the point. All real suffering in this world is created within ourselves. It was my conviction that I would find out next week, and then discovering I was wrong that has led to this feeling. It’s funny, because I have felt these past few months that I was getting pretty good at not letting my insistence that things are a certain way matter more than reality, but that seems to have formed it’s own set of blinders.
The enemy of learning is knowing. Once you know something is true, your mind doesn’t bother trying to learn more about it. The truth is, however, that we can never completely know anything. Who I am today is not the same person I was 5 years ago, or even 5 minutes ago. Once you decide, “I’m not the sort of person that gets bent out of shape over silly things,” you don’t notice when you gradually become that sort of person. And when it does happen, a realization comes over you that you might not have yourself figured out all that well at all.
I think that I’m OK with that. I need to have my beliefs and convictions shaken up once in a while. It keeps me on my toes. Ultimately, the only thing you can do is say, “Today, I’m going to try to not let the little things bug me. If they do, I’ll look at those feelings*, work on understanding them, and try to do better tomorrow.” (rinse, wash, repeat)
*While “feelings” is normally a four letter word to me, I’m trying to work on that as well…